The Power of Recognizing

 

Recently, I have found that much of my work as a mental health practitioner has garnered a need to assist people in understanding how some levels of self-hatred plays a part in the negative comments and hostile energy they receive from others; and more-so, how to recognize it. 

Several months ago, I was talking to a gentleman who had just got out of prison for the second time in his 29 years of life.  We were engaged in soulful conversation about our experiences with anger and he said, “I don’t even get mad when people say [negative things] to me anymore because I recognize, now, that you’re only showing me how you feel about yourself.”  It is such a basic idea and a redundant concept but it appears that few people have an experiential understanding of it.  During a Hotboxin With Mike Tyson episode, Tyson said (as I attempt to paraphrase), When you hate yourself, you show it by being mean to other people.  TUPAC’s character Bishop in JUICE, illustrates this when he said, “I don’t give a f*ck about you!  I don’t give a f*ck about Steel!  And I don’t give a f*ck about Raheem either.  I don’t give a f*ck about MYSELF!..I aint shit!  I aint neva gon’ be sh*t and you less of a man than me so soon as  I decide that you aint gonna be shit…*makes gun shape with his hand*…POW.”

I have played many sports throughout my life, sanctioned and unsanctioned.  Baseball, Basketball, football, soccer, karate, boxing, ect..  I believe there is a way to directly correlate and connect the assessment skills of athletes, to the pedagogy of recognizing self-hatred-based behaviors.  For example, when a point guard brings the ball up the court, he/she is assessing the defense.  Are they going man-to-man?  Are they running a zone defense?  Depending on what he/she recognizes, the data/information that comes from what they recognize, will determine what type of offensive play they will run.  Let’s think philosophically about response vs. reaction.  Quick reactions are often necessary in sports but there is usually a lot of risk that come with mindless reactions.  When I played high school basketball, some of my opponents knew that I had hothead-like behaviors, so they would do things like elbow in the gut, anticipating that I would mindlessly react – which I usually did.  Then, the referee would only see me pushing them back or snuffing them in the face and I’d get a foul called on me.  And when I really felt wronged, I would mouth off to the referee and get a technical foul or get thrown out of games.  My emotions would block my intelligence and limit me from recognizing that my opponent was trying to get me to react.  Had I assessed things and better recognized the situation, I may have been able to respond accordingly.  Quarterbacks have to assess defenses all of the time; every play I imagine.  People are naturally observant creatures; always paying attention to and attempting to assess things in our environment.  Though assessment and recognition of something are two different things – a lot of people either fail to recognize situations for what they are, or do not recognize situations for what they are at all. 

I have noticed in my work as a practitioner that many of the homicidal/acutely aggressive people I have provided services to, are actually struggling with either, or a combination, of self-hatred and suicidal ideation.  A kid recently told me that they were so mad at one of their caregivers for not allowing them to play a video game, they were going to call up the homies and prepare to shoot and murder the caregiver.  After validating the person’s anger (without agreeing with their plan), I said, “Ya know…I’ve worked with a lot of people who are violent and when I’ve talked to some of them about their life and where much of their anger or violent ways come from, it’s usually because they hate themselves,” and then I asked them, “Does this apply to you at all in any way?  Do you hate yourself at all?”  I really didn’t think he would respond with any authentic energy because our rapport wasn’t as solid, at the time, as I would have wanted it to be.  But they relaxed their body and nodded their head, yes.  When I asked them why they hated themselves, it provided us a opportunity to address the underlying energy of why they were so mad the point of wanting to murder their caregiver.  Thus, one of the things that was going on was that this person’s rage and violent threats was a defense mechanism to hide their self-hatred (think Bishop).  This is the point of this blog.  I was able to utilize my UNDERSTANDING of human behavior, specifically with elements of violence, anger, and rage, and I was able to RECOGNIZE that these comments were probably coming from a place of self-hatred.  This is why it is important to educate not only children, but adults, in how to recognize self-hatred (and self-love) because so much of a person’s energy can be saved simply recognizing what may be going on (think about the point guard looking at the defense).  As I say, if you understand the art of understanding, you can utilize the art of ignoring.  Too many times, people take offense to someone else’s self-hatred-based defense mechanisms – which can unfortunately become fatal.  Think about that for a moment…if you are able to recognize that someone “saying shit” to you or about you, is a reflection of how they feel about themselves, and/or based out of self-hatred, simply understanding that may increase the chances of you/someone avoiding an altercation and/or death because of how the interpretive information can help you better respond. 

I consider myself to be a pleasant and nice person.  I also consider myself to be aggressive in certain situations as well.  I don’t know what percentage of my street fights, in younger years, were caused because someone said something or did something disrespectful to me, but I postulate it is a high percentage.  I recall providing services to a teenager and they told me that when they provoke people to fight them, in the possible occurrence that they are getting their “ass kicked,” they stop fighting back because they have a hope that it becomes the fight that ends their life and takes them out of their misery.  That’s grim – the kid was literally provoking others in the hopes that someone would beat him…to death.  Sad, I know… If I was able to recognize, back in my childhood, that some of the people I had beaten up, had such self-hatred, and were secretively wishing that I would kill them, I do not think I would have let their attempt to disrespect me penetrate my emotions.  I would have avoided them completely and probably prayed for them from a distance.  If we’re teaching kids to read books, why not teach them to read people AND be able to make educated conceptualizations of what they observe in others and within themselves?  All schools, even at the daycare and elementary level, in my opinion, should incorporate some level of advanced understanding of human behavior.

With that said, I ask you – the reader, what type of point-guard are you in your own life?  Understand The Power of Recognizing self-hatred in others…and in yourself...we all have some.

#ExpandYourPerspectVe

© Shawn Coleman , MS PC 09/27/2021